When you first start dating someone new, that dizzying rush of excitement and lust often comes with a touch of anxiety. Is he really into me, or is he just waiting until someone better comes along? Is she still texting with her ex even though she told me they were completely over? What did he mean when he said he loves that I’m not obsessed with my job? This is totally normal, and will hopefully fade over time as you build a foundation of trust. But if you can never quite shake that feeling that something bad is going to happen, that this loving relationship is inevitably going to end in tears no matter how well everything seems to be going, you may be experiencing relationship anxiety.
“Relationship anxiety is a nearly constant feeling of being unsettled in your relationship,” says Erin Wiley, a psychotherapist and founder of the Willow Center in Bowling Green, Ohio. ”You don’t trust the motives or behavior of your significant other, you don’t trust that they’ll be faithful and will be there for you when you need them.”
Now, let’s make it clear that if your partner gives you legit reasons to question the relationship, like he disappears for days at a time without telling you where he’s going, or she stays on the phone with her ex until the wee hours, hanging up suddenly when you walk in the room, then your doubts about the relationship may be very well-founded and you need to question whether it’s worth saving.
But if your relationship is otherwise positive and healthy, and you know deep down that your anxiety isn’t coming from your partner’s behaviors but from your own fears, here’s what may be going on and what you can do to release the anxiety and find the joy in your romance.
Why do I have relationship anxiety with the person I love?
For some people, relationship anxiety may be an extension of generalized anxiety, says Wiley. “People who already have anxiety about other things can be much more prone to having relationship anxiety than other people, because their brains are already wired for it,” she says. And since almost 1 in 5 Americans are living with an anxiety disorder, that is a lot of people who may see those fears seep into their relationships. Add to that the increased anxiety we’ve all felt as the world has lurched through a couple of tumultuous recent years, and you may very well question the stability of your relationship, too.
In many cases, though, anxiety in your current romantic relationship can be traced back to trauma in a previous relationship — with a family member or a partner — or to deep-seated anxiety about your self-worth, developed when you were a child. “This is particularly true for people who come from a home where one parent left,” says Wiley. “The brain is set up to believe that the people who love you most in the world, your parents, will stay with you. When they don’t, children often blame it on themselves, even though as adults we know that is not true.” Because of that early experience, your brain may become hard-wired to remember that people you love leave you, and it’s extremely painful, she adds, so you are going to constantly be on guard to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
This can also happen after you have been through a previous romantic relationship that was fraught with mistrust, in which your partner lied to you or cheated on you. Your brain learns that this is what you can expect, and remains on high alert. Wiley compares this to being in an accident in which a car runs a stop sign and hits you on the left side. “Just like you will always be looking at your left to see if a car is coming, you will always wonder if a partner is going to cheat on you again,” she says.
If you were in a relationship full of anxiety and mistrust, whether with a parents or previous partner, you may actually be drawn exactly to that kind of person again, says Michelle Skeen, PsyD, a psychologist in San Francisco, and author of Love Me Don’t Leave Me. The chemistry with that person can be “off the charts,” she says, because you feel like you know them, and feel instantly comfortable with them.
But even if the person you are attracted to is the exact opposite of the person who betrayed your trust before, you can still feel anxious — perhaps even more so, says Skeen. “It could be the best relationship of your life, and yet you have a difficult time feeling comfortable with someone who gives you the love and acceptance you need and deserve,” she says. “You may be constantly thinking, This can’t possibly last. When is the rug going to get pulled out from underneath me?” says Skeen. You become hyper-vigilant, looking for any sign that your partner is unhappy with you or is about to cheat.
What are signs that you have relationship anxiety?
- You’re constantly checking up on your partner. Wiley says she sees this frequently — the anxious person not only needs to know where their partner is at all times, but obsessively reads their texts and emails to make sure they’re not meeting up with an ex or sending flirty messages to a coworker. “Some people even insist on putting a tracking app on their partner’s phone so they can see where they physically are at all times,” she says.
- You ask yourself all the time if they really love you or want to break up: Someone with relationship anxiety may question whether their partner truly loves them, or if they are just biding time waiting for an excuse to break up.
- You pick fights so they can prove their love. When people feel anxious or uncertain, they often look for a way to make that anxiety come to a head, so they can then calm down, says Wiley. “In a relationship, they may do this by confronting their partner, yelling at them and accusing them, until they have a big fight, there’s an apology a release of tension, and everybody goes back to normal until it happens again,” she says.
- You overthink every conversation. If you are in a heightened state of relationship anxiety, every sentence your partner utters may appear to have a hidden message. If your partner says she’d love to go on a ski trip next winter, for example, you may twist that around to say, “Well, I’m not great at skiing, so does that mean she would rather be dating someone who’s more athletic?”
What can I do to get past my relationship anxiety?
If your relationship anxiety gets so overwhelming that you are constantly worrying, or even having physical symptoms, such as stomach pains, heart palpitations or headaches, then it is important to get help, says Wiley. Here are some steps you can take:
- Learn to tolerate distress: No one likes to sit around feeling bad, so when we’re upset about something, we find ways to self-soothe, says Wiley — anything from watching TikTok and impulse-shopping online, to scarfing chocolate or drinking alcohol. In the case of relationship anxiety, you may attempt to soothe your worries by grabbing your partner’s phone when they’re in the shower and scanning for any suspicious texts, or picking a fight so they’ll reassure you that they love you. Instead, she suggests, when you’re feeling that itch to check up on your partner to relieve your anxiety, “just sit and feel your emotions without doing anything,” she says. Start by waiting just one minute before giving in to that temptation to check their phone or accuse them of trying to sleep with the barista, then the next time try two minutes, then five. “You’re trying to break bad habits,” Wiley explains. “It’s a matter of sitting with the emotion and learning to feel it rather than running from it.” Skeen adds that mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing and meditation, can help you learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings.
- Examine your core beliefs: Skeen works with her clients to excavate the “truths” they were taught to believe when they were younger, such as, “I’m not worthy of being loved” or “I don’t have what it takes to be in a long-lasting relationship.” Consider working with a therapist to discover what may be underlying your anxiety, based on foundational relationships you’ve had in the past, and to understand why these “truths” are actually flawed. Skeen points out that these beliefs can be the force behind self-sabotaging behaviors. “Let’s say your father cheated on your mother when you were growing up and left,” she says. “This can lead to the belief that all men are going to cheat, and you may constantly accuse your partner of infidelity until he finally says, ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ and walks out.” In some cases, a person who worries that their partner might cheat can even sabotage the relationship by cheating first.
- Educate yourself about what makes a healthy relationship: Wiley recommends reading some classic books about love including The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman and The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John M. Gottman, PhD, to gain a deeper understanding of what makes relationships work. She recommends taking turns reading them out loud on the sofa at night, or reading the book separately and then getting together to discuss it over dinner. “This could make you feel less anxious because you feel more secure in the attachment that you and your partner are creating,” she says.
- Talk openly with your partner: If your partner is willing to see a couples therapist, get referrals from friends who say the therapist really, truly helped them, says Wiley. However, she points out that good therapists with openings are hard to find these days, and insurance often doesn’t cover couples therapy. One thing you can do on your own: Learn to communicate your feelings with your partner, without being accusatory, but with genuine care and concern. If he ditches plans at the last minute because he has to work late, for example, instead of stewing about it or picking a fight, say something like, “When you cancel at the last minute, it makes me feel like I’m not a priority for you. If you know you’re working on a big project and may be running late, please let me know in advance so I can make other plans.”
- Think about the type of relationship you truly want: Always keep in mind what your ideal vision of a loving and trusting relationship is, says Skeen. “When you are able to look at the contrast between what you’re doing and what you want to be doing, and you can see how your behavior isn’t in line with your values, it makes for an easier pivot,” she says.
If you believe you’re experiencing an anxiety attack or are concerned about your health, please call 911. If you have anxiety, you may need to speak with a mental health professional. You can find help and learn more about anxiety by visiting the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.
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