Few conversations can feel as loaded as suggesting to a friend or family member that they should see a therapist. It often comes from a good place, but not everybody can see it that way. “Unfortunately there continues to be a lingering stigma around mental health that can make people feel exposed, embarrassed, or even shameful if you suggest they need support,” says Alexandra Solomon, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and author in Highland Park, Illinois. “Even those of us who are very pro mental health treatment can feel vulnerable if someone we love approaches us and tells us it looks like we’re struggling.”
As tough as that kind of conversation can be, it may be just what your loved one needs to hear to get the help they require. “The quality of a relationship rests on the degree to which we’re willing to have uncomfortable conversations for the sake of love,” says Dr. Solomon. Before you dive right into the topic, Dr. Solomon has a few key things you should keep in mind.
1. Have your loved one pick a time
“You want to make sure that the other person feels empowered, like they’re in the driver’s seat,” says Dr. Solomon. One way to do that is by telling them you have something you want to bring up to them that might be a little sensitive, and then ask when would be a good time to talk. They won’t be taken off guard, and it can assuage any sense of being attacked. This approach also ensures they won’t be in the middle of responding to a work email or dealing with their kids.
2. Be vulnerable
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Start the conversation by saying something like: I’m a little nervous to bring this up and I don’t know that I have all my language down perfectly, but I hope you can feel where my heart is at. “Vulnerability is contagious,” says Dr. Solomon. “Showing that you’re messy and imperfect helps level the playing field.” This can help your loved one feel less defensive off the bat, as well.
Also, be present — don’t have any devices or distractions like a cell phone or television on or around.
3. Focus the conversation on what you’re feeling or seeing
It can be natural to launch into a list of your concerns: “you don’t seem as happy” or “you’re drinking too much.” However, that can make anyone put his or her hackles up and block out what you’re saying. Instead, Dr. Solomon recommends you talk about what you’re observing or experiencing. More along the lines of: “After we hung out together last Thursday, I couldn’t stop thinking about how worried I was about you.” It’s always best to say how specific actions or certain situations make you feel versus just attacking someone’s choices or character.
4. Give them a chance to talk
This kind of conversation can be intense, and you want to make sure you aren’t the only one speaking. Dr. Solomon suggests to include a check-in to make sure the other person can have a voice. Something like: “How are you feeling hearing this? Does this feel surprising to you? Have you also noticed that you’re struggling a bit more than usual?” Allowing your love one to speak and be heard can play a huge role when it comes to their vulnerability.
5. Talk about next steps
There’s no need to have a seven-step plan printed out, but you should talk to your loved one about what might be the next step (likely reaching out to a therapist or other support) and offer to help in any way you can. Don’t worry if it feels like you didn’t solve everything in one chat. “More often, these are a series of conversations,” says Dr. Solomon.
Having this kind of discussion can feel a bit like walking on a tightrope, but don’t assume it will go badly—some people might react really positively to you bringing up your concerns. “They might tell you they have been carrying that burden alone and thinking they had to cover it all up or do it all on their own, and that now they feel relieved, supported, and cared for,” says Dr. Solomon.
If you’re struggling with anxiety or depression and need professional help, the American Psychological Association’s Psychologist Locator tool can help you find a licensed therapist in your area.
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